I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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