I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
