Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
