Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
