My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
