I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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