nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
