So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
