handjob tips. give me some.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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