U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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