So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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