1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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