yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
