Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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