when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
