I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
