I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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