I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
