if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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