sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
