Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
