i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
