im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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