Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
