You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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