So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
