So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
