My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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