I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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