is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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