Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
