Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
