I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
