Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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