come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
