no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
