Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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