Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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