I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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