What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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