i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
