Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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