To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
