Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
