i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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