i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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