the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
