This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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