at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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