im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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