sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize