i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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