My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
why do cheetos always look like penises
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
