The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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