I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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