I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
