My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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