Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize