i already hear my dad disowning me
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Oh god it's open bar.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
