Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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