look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
