Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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