I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize